Fighting With God

I’ve been fighting with God. There, I’ve said it. No justifications, no excuses. I’m unhappy with Him and disappointed.

This is not going to be an accusation against God, though I certainly have those thoughts and emotions. This is not going to be theology, trying in vain to answer questions that are unanswerable, though I long for answers. This is about the process of being angry and fighting with Someone you love and are absolutely committed to and Who loves you when you can’t love yourself.

What do you do when your spouse, Father, Mother, sibling, or best friend says or does something that deeply hurts or offends you. You know that he or she is worthy of your trust based on long experience. But you are so angry… You can ignore it, make jokes about it or deftly place verbal barbs to wound and keep the other at bay, letting the hurt and anger become an insurmountable barrier. Or you can have a fight, clear the air, forgive or be forgiven, and re-establish the connection cut by the sharpness of the pain. The latter is clearly best and Biblical. Go to your adversary quickly. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. If he listens, you have (re)gained your brother. It is hard now to make peace with your adversary, but potentially vastly rewarding later.

But what do you do if your adversary is God? He does not have the capacity to do wrong, yet your heart screams that He has. Honesty with God is both perilous and precious. Although His grace and mercy are astonishing, He has no love of pride. And even in the New Testament, He killed Ananias and Sapphira when they treated Him and the Church with profound disrespect by lying. It’s not wise to be presumptuous with God. But it’s not wise to be dishonest about what we really feel and think either. He’s also not fond of hypocrisy.

The little book of Habakkuk gives help. God is planning on administrating discipline to Israel through a country even more in need of correction. The prophet didn’t like or understand what the Lord was doing and he told Him so quite plainly. But he knew that what he said was honest but not the truth. Listen to what he says after he has opened his heart to God:

…And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me, and how I may reply when I am reproved. (Habakkuk 2:1)

He had strong thoughts and feelings about God’s plans that seemed entirely rational to him. God was wrong and he was right—in his own mind. But instead of trying to prove God wrong, he argued for God to reprove him. In the end, God didn’t change his circumstances. God fundamentally changed him.

I want to be like Habakkuk. I’ve tried ignoring my thoughts or pretending they were unimportant. It didn’t work. Temper tantrums haven’t been helpful. Attempts to win arguments have been disastrous. This time I want to fight to lose. I will argue with my Father and listen for correction from the Lord of the universe. I will find that God is not my adversary. I am.